


Knows me well enough not to

by JeffersonStarships



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Mild Sexual Content, Not Beta Read, POV Lucifer, References to Depression, Teacher Lucifer (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-10 21:34:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15957986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JeffersonStarships/pseuds/JeffersonStarships
Summary: A short tale of love and despair.





	Knows me well enough not to

**Author's Note:**

> Just for transparency, mostly inspired by "Coconut Skins" by Damien Rice. it kind of inspired the sentence structure, if that makes any sense. Maybe you could listen to it while you read?

            Just two green eyes and brown hair. The brush of his breath on my cheeks and the dimples I keep kissing. His kind voice whispering, but I’m not listening. My laughter coming easier than it ever has because I’ve never been so happy, but it never lasts.

            His hands tight on my hips and the slide of his body as we align. I wish my mouth knew how to purr, but all it seems to know is growling, and it tears through my throat with vicious delight.

            The wonderful feeling of my canines nipping at his shoulders, my tongue soothing away the sting. My fingers in his hair.

            Warm morning sun dancing over the planes of his skin, swimming in his eyes, peaking against the swell and tide of my soul reaching out for him.

            It’s just a blink of my eyes and he is drawing back and drawing away. He dresses and goes on his way.  Broad shoulders and too many lines of a suit I had so painstakingly relieved him of. He smiles like a secret, and he leaves me all alone.

             Pull into jeans and shrug into a tee shirt and miss him more than I miss breathing. Fantasize about the shape of his mouth. Crave the swell in my chest that only his presents can conjure. Close my eyes and wish he was there to kiss me before I head out the door.

            Drive to work and lose track of the time as I boss around kindergarteners and teach them how to spell. Show them how to tie their shoes for the millionth time, and smile when they say the funniest things with complete earnestness.

            My house is far too empty without him there, but I know he is not for me to keep. So, I don’t text him to ask to keep me company. Just go to bed early and dream that the world is brighter.

            Watch days leap past and kiss him every time he drops in to say hello. Never say I love him, because he deserves to have someone better. Someone who can see better days ahead. Someone who knows their life won’t end by their own hand.

            When he doesn’t have to work or go home, he lingers, but he knows I won’t let him stay. Even if he gets harder and harder to throw out.

            Dimples and a warm smile. Tangled sheets and a starry night. Naked skin and needy sounds. Every one of my nerves tingle, and both his hands are too tight on my waist. His eyes are too bright, and I feel them like lighthouses, warning bells, and air raid sirens. His chin moves to speak and my hand smacks over his lips. We crash over the edge.

            Words swimming in his eyes, well meaning and certain, no matter how misguided. If I could have asked him to leave sooner, I would’ve.

            Loneliness is not a new friend. She is always around, but she wraps tight around me as he walks away, concerned eyes glancing over his shoulder.

            Me and my misery hide under the sheets. I would keep him if he were ever truly meant to be mine. If his love were meant for me.

            So, I don’t pick up the phone when he calls. Don’t answer the door when he knocks. Don’t smile when the sun rises. Sigh when the sun sets.

            Let the words go unsaid.

            Let him forget my name.

            Go to work and put band aids on little skinned knees. Show them how to tie their shoes. Teach them to count to one hundred. Smile because I care for them and can’t wait to see them grow up.

            My brothers won’t stop calling, and I can’t stop listening to their voicemails. Just need something to fill the void. Fill my mind with something other than the sound of his breathing. The color of his love. The emptiness of my world.

            Green used to be my favorite color. Tomorrow used to be hopeful even if next week sounded impossible and loneliness used to care about me. Oh, how I miss him.

            Summer finds me terrified. No kids to go see. No brothers I want to let see me. No more excuses to laugh.

            Head out to pick up some milk and he is walking up the driveway. My keys tumble from my hands and I could kick, scream, and curse.

            Kindness like a knife. Smile like machine gun fire. Kisses me like I’m air.

            I don’t know how to tell him sometimes love is a double edged-sword, because the sun never gets to meet the moonless night. His kindness is wasted on someone who will never see happiness on their own. I don’t know the words to make him see, depression takes victims and I’m the next one on the list.

            What a wonderful world my golden god poses. We could be happy, he won’t let me push him away when everything about me screams yes but my mouth. No, it’s a firm line and a wasted breath because I want him to _stay_ , but I can’t let him.

            But he waits for me, he takes from me, he sits at my feet and begs me, until all that is left is the green of his eyes, the softness of his hair between my fingers, the weight of his head on my chest. He asks me to let him love me and I start to realize I might not have a choice.

            I want to wake up with him tomorrow. I want him in my bed and in my life. I don’t want to miss him anymore.

            He knows me well enough to know I will tell him to go. Knows me well enough not to.

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably one of my favorite stories mostly because of how it became a weird hybrid of story and poetry. It kinda crosses the line between character and writer, but thus is life. Leave a kudos or comment. I would love to know what you think about it.


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